Symptom 11: Feelings of Dread, Apprehension, and Doom…
Apparently, I went into menopause when I was 8-years-old. I remember distinctly going through that entire summer feeling dread, apprehension and doom. It seemed to revolve around this reoccurring dream I had about pyramids. Huge, looming, Egyptian pyramids. Scared the stew out of me. Until now, I had no idea why I never wanted to travel to Egypt. Duh. Menopause.
My youngest daughter is most certainly in menopause and she hasn’t even entered puberty yet, poor thing. Outer space gives her that feeling of Apprehension. Dread. Doom. She hates anything outer space. “Dear Mrs. Bigglesworth: Please excuse my youngest daughter from the field trip to the planetarium as she is suffering from the eleventh symptom of menopause.”
At tax time, my husband I think my husband entered menopause.
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Today if you are considering breast plastic surgery, it’s defining to know all the pros and cons related to the form of code of conduct that people want.
The happening of ocular manifestations is approximately comparable between men and women.
Estrogen is used to treat baking flushes in women that are experiencing menopause.
It occurs with equally among both men and women, and is most resolute in teenagers around 17 years of age.
In Reference to
Beauty therapy, Jane Hiscock, Frances Lovett, 2004
Pure beauty, Rebecca Chiyoko King-O’Riain, 2006
Awakening Beauty, Susan West Kurz, Tom Monte, 2006
On Beauty, Zadie Smith, 2006
Real beauty– real women, Kathleen Walas, 1992
Real Beauty, Eddy M. Zemach, 2004
Useful Links iVillage Beauty Beauty Makeup and Beauty Blog Beauty
Women Considering Breast Augmentation is filed under Beauty.
I’m reading “The Wisdom of Menopause” by Dr. Christiane Northrup, not because I’m going through menopause but because I need to learn more about what happens to our bodies (and more specifically, our skin) during that stage so I can write about it more accurately on the Striking blog and newsletter.
I was sharing with some of my friends that I was simultaneously reading books about raising teenagers and going through menopause. Then the questions came up:
“Why are you reading about menopause?”
“Are you perimenopausal?”
“Which book are you reading? Maybe I should get a copy too.”
Then the realization hit me: as a generation of women, we are unprepared for menopause. We get to see the movies about menstruation in grade school, but there’s no mandatory movie about menopause to watch in our late 30’s/early 40’s to prepare us for that next stage of life. Some of us may get some information from our mothers if we ask, but there’s no “birds and bees” type conversation like the ones we get when we’re learning about the facts of life, so it’s up to us figure out this next phase of womanhood.
We throw around words like “perimenopause” and “menopause” like we know what they mean, but really, most of us are grossly uneducated on the subject until the doctor tells us we’re right in the middle of it. Do we really know what happens? Do we care enough to research it before it happens to us or does all the book reading and information gathering start once the doctor has given us the official diagnosis?
I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands. I’ve started to ask questions of my mother and my aunt. So far, I’m not following in my mother’s footsteps: she gave birth to me at 18 and started menopause at 40. I, on the other hand, gave birth for the first time at 29 and had my third (and I think, my last) child 18 months ago at age 42. I’ve started reading about menopause and asking other women who have been through “the change” what they would recommend to read, or if they read anything at all.
What will do you to prepare?
Vikki Smith’s first foray into the dating world after 30-plus years of marriage involved a bit of chicanery on her part. The 57-year-old Austin, Texas–based marketing consultant “tricked” a colleague into meeting her for lunch after sensing some chemistry as they worked on a project. The sparks didn’t fly, but it did get her back in the dating game, which sure has changed a lot since last she played.
When she first got married, dating was more formal. “It’s just so casual now,” she says. “You can say, ‘Let’s grab a cup of coffee,’ and it’s a date.”
That’s not the only difference. Most gray divorcées—the nickname given to those who divorce after age 50—met their spouses the old-fashioned way—on a blind date, at school, on the job, or even at a singles’ party. Now websites such as Match.com and eHarmony offer singles the opportunity to meet online instead of in person.
And there is a learning curve.
“I can scoot all over the Internet for work, but online dating was a brand new experience,” Smith recalls. “I had friends who had done it, but when it first became a phenomenon, I thought it was a wonderful opportunity for every creepy person to start trolling through the masses,“ she says.
Turns out she was wrong. Single no more, Smith has been in a relationship for about a year with a man she met online. While there are no immediate wedding bells in her future, she is not ruling anything out.
“I used to dread the idea of dating again after being married so long, because it seems that every single person you meet who’s over 40 has one horror story after another,” she says. “Imagine my surprise to spend so little time online before meeting someone so decent, down-to-earth, and genuinely delightful. I didn’t have to kiss a single frog and feel lucky to have had this experience.”
While it can be scary, online dating is worth it, according to Smith. “I am happier than I have been in years,” she says.
Want to follow in Smith’s footsteps? From the first text or email to the first date and how to tell your children, these expert-approved, tried-and-true tips for seamless gray dating will get you back in the game.
Next page: Take your time; do it right
“There is no hurry, so it’s important to take your time before you enter the dating world again,” says Terri L. Orbuch, PhD, a professor of sociology at Oakland University, in Rochester, Mich., and the author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great. “Contrary to what your friends may tell you or you may think, studies show that there is no predetermined time period that you need to wait after a divorce or breakup before you can begin dating again.”
Understand what went wrong in your marriage
“If you know what went wrong or what was missing in your marriage, you can put it out there,” says Fran Cohen Praver, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Locust Valley, N.Y., and the author of Daring Wives: Insight Into Women’s Desires for Extramarital Affairs. “Were you too involved in your career?” she asks. “If that is the case and you love your career, put it out there in the next go-around.”
Learn from the past
“If your marriage was sexless, but you are now looking for someone who is sexually attuned, put it out there,” says Praver, who practices what she preaches. Praver, 67, is also recently divorced and back in the dating game.
Start spreading the news
“Let everyone know that you are looking, if you are, so that they are on the lookout for you,” says Dennis Lin, MD, an attending psychiatrist and physician-in-charge of the Psychosexual Medicine Program at Beth Israel Medical Center, in New York City, and an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral Sciences at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine.
Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, a therapist in New York City and the author of several books, including Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, agrees. “Don’t be ashamed that you want to meet someone,” she says. “Ask people to fix you up. Look at ads in newspapers, magazines, and online.”
Move forward
“Think positively, and instead of dwelling on the past, try out new things,” says Dr. Lin. “Redecorate your living space if your spouse moved out, and extend your social circle by taking up hobbies or taking some university classes,” he says. “Maybe you always wanted to learn ballroom dancing. Now is the time.”
Be yourself
If you take the online dating route, make sure the picture you post on your profile is a recent one, Praver says. “Be candid and honest.”
Don’t sell yourself—or your dating pool—short
“I was pleasantly surprised to find the vast number of men in the age group I would consider dating were also interested in my age group,” says Smith. “I had expected that most 50-plus gentlemen would imagine themselves with a much younger woman with much lower mileage than myself, but I was pleased to find a lot of mature thinking in what this age group was seeking in a companion.”
Next page: Go fish
It used to be that women waited for the man to make the first move—not anymore. If somebody looks interesting online, don’t just “wink” or “flirt”—a quick but somewhat unromantic way to let him or her know you’re interested. Instead, says Praver, “Send them a few lines so that they know you are interested. You can’t wait for someone to contact you.”
That’s what Smith did when she met her current beau. “I finally made a bold move and contacted someone whose profile I’d seen online. Perhaps all service’s formats are not the same, but with Match.com you can either sit back—like a princess being pursued—and wait to be contacted, you can peruse the daily potential matches they send to you, or you can get totally proactive and go fishing in the man gallery,” she says.
Just do it
If you sense chemistry, don’t wait to make a date. “Don’t text someone for two months before meeting them,” Eaker Weil says. Praver advises: “Speak on the phone several times before you meet, too, to make sure you connect while speaking and not just via email.”
A lot about dating has changed, but some things stay the same, adds Dr. Lin. “Common sense still counts. You don’t want to meet them in a secluded private space for the first time.”
Keep it light
The first date should not be an interview, according to Eaker Weil. “The idea that you can find out everything about a person in 20 minutes is terrible advice,” she says. “You can’t measure someone in one date. We often idealize their positive [attributes] or exaggerate his or her negative [attributes] on the first date, but in my opinion, it takes at least three dates to gain real perspective on who he or she is and where they are coming from. Keep it light and try to have fun.”
Avoid the TMI—too much information—trap. We all have baggage, but “be discriminating about when and how you reveal things; too much exposure or information is risky,” says Eaker Weil. “Enjoy yourself or get to know the person before you talk about exes or widows.”
Talk about sex
Many women find that they rediscover sex after menopause, but everyone should move at her own pace.
“Sex can be scary, especially if you haven’t dated in 30 years, so don’t let yourself get rushed into something you are not comfortable with,” Eaker Weil says. “Say, ‘I like you and think you are attractive, but I need more time to get to know you,’” she suggests. Put another way: “Let’s have the appetizer now, and we will have plenty of time for dinner and dessert later.”
Orbuch adds: “You need to plan ahead and talk about sex before it occurs in a relationship. You may no longer need to worry about pregnancy, but you need to be aware and informed about sexually transmitted diseases and how to prevent them.”
Go dutch
Chivalry is not dead, but the economy is only starting to show signs of life (and divorce can be expensive). “Many older men may be retired or may have lost income in the stock market or divorce settlement. They may want to go out, but don’t have as much money as they used to,” Eaker Weil says. “This doesn’t mean they are cheap.”
Going dutch is OK, she says. “Talk about finances.”
Switch teams
It may seem like a ratings ploy on shows like ABC’s Desperate Housewives, but it does happen.
“A lot of older women are looking for love and support and don’t want to do all the work anymore, and what we are seeing is a shift where women are going after women instead of men,” Eaker Weil says. “This means trying something different because the other thing didn’t work. They may find women understand them better and are happier. Experimenting is OK.”
Have a family plan
Many gray divorcées have older children who can’t—or don’t want to—picture their parents on dates. When and how to break the news depends on the age and maturity level of the children. “Don’t tell the children until it becomes significant,” Praver advises.
That’s what Smith did. “When I realized it was a regular thing, I introduced them,” she explains.
That’s when the whole semantics issue came up. “What do you call a man you are seeing when you’re 57? My boyfriend?” asks Smith. “This sounds like I should be writing his name on my loose-leaf binder in curly letters.”
She also rejected “partner” as too unspecific, and “friend” seemed to diminish how they felt about one another. “So I’ve decided to call him my love slave,” she says. “But I’m not sharing that term with my sons!”
I’m very down and discouraged and I feel terrible and I feel terrible about feeling terrible.
I have a rotten cold. I have women’s issues. The world is gray and frozen and slushy. I have a sore in my mouth that hurts. I can’t do much at work but stay away from everyone so I don’t infect them. I’m still along at home and doing all the house and critter care.
I feel horrible about this dog. I can’t walk her, now I can’t even run up and down the stairs with her to give her exercise. She’s the sweetest thing ever and she does not complain. That makes it worse. She goes out in the back yard and barks and barks and barks. She comes in and chews herself and looks at me lovingly.
I’ve done all the litter scooping by myself. One of the cats is eating cat litter, which is totally new for him. I think he needs grass but I can’t grow it inside for him because he’ll attack it. Taking some grass seed to work would mean battling the frozen slush to get to the shed to get some out.
Both of my kids have need ferrying to medical appointments. The last one I had to do was this morning and they are done. Both kids are beyond what any mortal deserves in a child. They are wonderful and I feel like crappy crap for complaining.
Carole’s on her way home after being away and I know I won’t be any fun and no no pleasure to be with. She’s off again next week for another time away and I can do all this again. MAYBE without the cold, the slush, the period, the mouth sore. Maybe. Maybe with something worse. That is where my head is today.
I just typed out those wonderful words about how I can’t control anything but my thoughts, perceptions and responses and for the moment I want to scream BS!! I’m also slightly superstitious and think that if I don’t get a grateful grip soon, something truly awful will happen just to show me the difference. Which I already know.
So for the first time in my life, I’m considering acreage, for the dog. She deserves it. But she probably wouldn’t live long enough for me to get that together.
A lot about this day has to do with this dog. At the same, she enriches my life and she causes me pain. I cause myself pain because of the wrong-headed ways in which I think about her.
Carole left today for a few days, so I was alone with the animals. Our temperatures are getting a bit above freezing and our snow pack is finally shrinking a bit. But only a bit. Everything I still covered with snow and ice, but now dripping and slushy as well. The sun shines only once in a while. It’s still quite cold.
I realized the other morning that before this weather started in, my morning routine was to get up, get dressed, walk the dog, eat breakfast, read something recovery related or religious and go to work. For weeks now I’ve gotten up, fed the animals, maybe eaten something, maybe not, and battled the elements. The cars constantly need to be scraped and dug out. The weather forecast is constantly ominous about what our drive will be like, filled with peril. Accidents abound, roofs are collapsing from ice and snow, and everyone has had enough. My son has needed medical attention and I took my daughter last Friday to have her wisdom teeth removed.
But I avoid facing how my day has been. I have a slight cold that’s sort of on my chest. I haven’t been sick for a long time and I really think this will be mild. I fed all the animals twice. I took out the recycling, loaded, ran, and unloaded the dishwasher. I ran up and down the stairs 13 times with the dog. Slowly, because of my chest cold. I have ushered the older dog (and so both dogs) out the back door to the freezing slush many times today, so far avoiding a pee pee accident by the older dog. I tried and failed to follow a pattern to make a scarf. I cut that loose and started a simpler scarf. I put more music on my new computer, read my message board, read the blogs I read, and I’m writing here. Oh yes and I also watched the Dog Whisperer and brushed the dog. She loves that.
My day is consumed, though, by the feeling that I haven’t and never do enough for this dog. I know I haven’t come anywhere near satisfying her exercise requirements. I also really suck at discipline and training. I’m A+ for affection but that is only because she is so very mild mannered, and doesn’t take advantage.
After I fly to Hawaii and back without fear, I plan to seriously attack the problem of my attitude with this dog.
But meanwhile. The picture is of her and our 19-year-old cat. They don’t really seek each other out, but if they end up on the couch together, Xandra lets him stay there rather than biting his head off. And he enjoys a warm spot very much. She is the sweetest dog I have known and we were so incredibly lucky to find her.
She was unspayed, filthy, and had pneumonia when we found her at a very high-kill shelter. The cat came from people who ran a crazy foster cat organization, and I use that term loosely. His mother had been left, pregnant, when her people moved away. I chose him over his sister because I thought the cat I already had might take more kindly to a male cat than to a female. She didn’t, but he likewise turned out to be just the sweetest cat ever. As long as you don’t have food around. Then he’s the lion from Daniel’s den.
I have work tomorrow, and more medical appointments for my son. I have a new hair straightener I feel unmotivated to try tonight, even though I know that everything is better with straight hair. Everything. A friend in the program slipped again last night. Another told us yesterday that he has cancer. The world is frozen, and gray, and I need to update the Menopause Chronicles.
I’m very down and discouraged and I feel terrible and I feel terrible about feeling terrible.
A lot about this day has to do with this dog. At the same, she enriches my life and she causes me pain. I cause myself pain because of the wrong-headed ways in which I think about her.